There are times when life slaps you so hard you are shaken to your core. Today was that day.
I’ve been struggling with my weight since my father died. He was first diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. I was living in a different state, but spoke to him and visited often. As time went on, the memory lapses were more and more frequent, but with the help of my mother, he was able to live a mostly independent life. He had managed to hold at a stage 3 for a couple of years, and while his short term memory was almost gone, he never forgot who his wife, daughter, and grandchildren were, and for that I am eternally grateful. But it wasn’t Alzheimer’s that killed him. It was lung cancer. It was a short, painful fight. He passed in 2015.
My mom was in terrible health for many years from fighting her own food demons. She became diabetic, had a heart attack, and was in stage 5 renal failure when her body and mind couldn’t go on. It was a slow, torturous, 2 months of sitting by her hospital bed, wanting her to wake up, and watching her body that she could no longer control, thrash around the bed. She passed in 2019.
And now, I was completely out of control with my eating. Being a single mom of 4, with no support system, no net to catch me if I fall, I turned more and more to food. I’ve tried numerous times to get back on track and eat healthy. I just can’t make it past the first few days, and I head straight back to the junk food. I know I am not anywhere close to being healthy. Every bite I take pushes me closer and closer to diabetes; or worse. I am not exaggerating.
While lazily watching a show unrelated to eating issues per se, but recognizing similar mental issues that are behind both conditions, I was just absolutely punched in the gut. I don’t mean that it just hit a nerve, although it did. I’m talking John Wick thinks I killed his dog, punched in the gut.
“Are the things on this table worth more than your child?”
Whoa, what did he just say? I slowly put down my bagel, and it hit me all at once.
- Every time I justify overeating as compensating for a stressful environment, I am putting food before the well-being of my children.
- Every time I eat to the point of pain or nausea, I am choosing food over my children.
- Every time I medicate my sadness with junk food instead of using healthy food for fuel, I am telling my children that the food on the table is worth more than a long life with them.
- Every time.
Period.
While I can’t go back and change what I’ve done to myself over the last 6 years, I can make sure that going forward my children know they are worth more than what is on the table and what’s on my plate. I’m not going to let them see me choose food and a shortened, painful life, over being there for them. I will model better eating habits and try to keep my children from going down the same rabbit hole. I will find healthier outlets for my stress, my pain. I will do better. For them. For me.
I’ll be thinking of you on your journey. I know you can do this. All my love, Mom.